Wikipedia defines an Existential Crisis as "a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value" Such a crisis is said to be triggered by a significant event in a persons life. This causes you begin to question your existence and what role you want to play in this world.
Almost exactly one year ago I moved to a new city and embarked on a new journey. I decided that it was time to finally get to know myself and get to the bottom of this thing called life. I wanted to know my purpose, I wanted to know what was real. I felt disillusioned by the world. Everything felt confusing and scary. I was 20-something and totally lost.
So, I began my search. I needed to find something somewhere that felt real and stable. I needed to find something in my life that held some type of meaning. I always knew I wanted to contribute something big to the world, but what was it? Would I ever find that thing that I truly loved to do in life? What were my passions? What were my natural talents? Who was I, really?
Wikipedia further states "existentialism posits that a person can and does define the meaning and purpose of their life, and therefore must choose to resolve the crisis of existence."
For the past year I have been trying to 'resolve the crisis of existence.' I have meditated, and I have prayed. I have been on cleansing diets. I have read books. I have spoken to angels.I have cried out for help. I have seen therapists. I have journaled and done yoga. I have painted and danced. I have gone to workshops, seminars, classes and been in search of teachers in whatever form they may come in. I have opened my heart, lived with gratitude, shown unconditional love, and connected with my spiritual essence. I feel like all I have been doing for the past year is beg for answers, and now at last I feel like I am beginning to find them.
Deep down I knew all along that the answers were always inside of me. It was just a matter of getting quiet and not letting the fear deter me from peeling back the layers to find them.
So, here I am now. One year later. On the outside not much has changed. But on the inside a lot has.
My problem has been that during this dark and challenging time, my usual preoccupation with the distractions of the outside world seemed to fade. I was no longer drawn to wear the latest clothes and look my best so that others would approve of me. I stopped bothering to achieve lofty goals so I could gloat to others of my achievements. I ate for nourishment and comfort which contrasted to my normal need to be on a calorie constricted diet to ensure I felt skinny. My high heels were substituted for thongs. I quit my gym membership. I got rid of quite a few possessions. I lost interest in the dating scene and the need to again attention from the opposite sex purely to ensure I felt good about myself. My one and only intention has been to sort out what the hell is going on inside of me. Basically I have just been trying to survive.
So, suddenly I feel as if I have awoken from a long sleep. I have stepped out from the depths of my inner journey to find that the outside me has kind of 'let herself go' so to speak. I wouldn't say that I have lost total touch with reality. I am not looking completely tragic and I am still shaving my legs, but it seemed for a while there that a lot of those outer things that used to really matter, didn't really matter at all.
Equipped with my new found inner strength and clarity, I am ready to now begin working on the stuff around me. Over the past year things like my bank balance, my career, my physical body, my worldly goals and my relationships seemed to come second to my journey of self discovery. But now, I feel the need to once again make them a priority. I am back.
Top of the list is; join up to a new gym (with plenty of yoga classes), pay off my credit card and resume my usual savings plan, begin paying more attention to what is going in my mouth and eat more for health rather than comfort, get out and about and meet new people, kick start my new career by commencing my life coach training in the next few months, and do pretty much anything new that is out of my comfort zone.
While my crisis is far from resolved. It feels good to feel excited about life again. My inner journey pulled me down in to the depths of who I really was. I am now a stronger, clearer and more energised than ever to ensure my outer world results are a clear reflection of my inner world transformation.