I have always strived for perfection in life. This is because, for a long time I lived with the misunderstanding that perfection would lead to happiness.
Up until recently, I spent many years trying to get rid of what was wrong with me and my life in the hope that I would finally be perfect, and therefore happy.
Whenever something bad happened I immediately thought something was wrong. When something negative happened I would search through my mind for the mistake I must have made which created this. I would then add to the problem by blaming and beating up on myself for not being perfect and wonder what the hell what wrong with me!
The real problem
It took me a few years of this before I realised what the real problem was. It was not that I was making mistakes or doing something wrong but rather...
- the fact that I was actually labelling these events as bad, wrong or negative in the first place, and;
- the fact that rather than embracing these negative things, I was instead rejecting them.
Things are not inherently wrong or bad until you say they are. It is you that decides whether something is positive or negative. It is you that decides if being sacked in your job is a blessing or a disaster. It is you who decides whether your body and the way that you look is good or bad. It is you who decides if being dumped by your partner is the end of the world, or an exciting opportunity for something new. You choose what meaning you associate to each event, and you therefore have a choice whether you see it as good or bad!
A happy life is not about labelling things as good or bad and then doing your best to eliminate the bad things. Rather happiness come from being able to embrace every experience as a learning opportunity and having the ability to seek out the lesson, see the hidden blessing, find the opportunity or discover the positive in everything that comes your way.
The purpose of life
Your ability to see the hidden blessings and opportunities and to find hope and optimism in even the most challenging times, is directly effected by how you choose to see this thing called life and what you believe the purpose of this whole thing is.
The purpose of life is not to become perfect or god like, nor is it to create a perfect world. The purpose of life is to grow, learn, evolve and expand. We are here to create the greatest version of ourselves that we can dream. Life is about our never ending learning journey, it is not about reaching an end destination. It is not just about getting there, but rather it is about enjoying yourself along the way.
The Soul's perspective
If you can take a bigger picture view of life, and see this experience as being one that you soul deliberately chose for you so that you could grow and learn, you will be able to experience so much more peace, joy and fulfillment.
The soul does not see anything as bad or wrong. These things that we label as negative, are things that the soul sees as amazing opportunities to learn and grow. Sure, they may challenge us, but since when is challenge a bad thing?
What if we could see bad things from the perspective of the soul - rather than complaining about them and wishing they had not happened, we could embrace them and be grateful for them. Choose to start seeing things in a new way. See challenges as a chance to expand yourself and your mind, as a chance to step out of your comfort zone, and as a chance to try a different approach.
We need to wake up to the fact that perhaps our way is not always the best way. Have you ever listened in to your intuition or gut feelings? Or maybe the voice of your heart came in to guide you but what it said contradicted what your head was telling you? In these instances you are witnessing higher guidance, and you are hearing a whisper from a part of you that knows more than you do. Perhaps our soul has a plan and maybe it is about time we surrendered rather than judging and labelling everything that comes our way.
Find the hidden blessing
You can create a positive happy world by finding the positive things in every experience. Even if something bad happens, find the good in it, find the blessing, find the silver living. Be optimistic and hopeful. Search for the opportunity. If you notice a flaw in your personality, use it as a chance to grow and heal. If you do something in a way that you don't like, aim to do it better next time.
Stop judging and labelling everything, and instead let of your analytical mind and trust that whatever is coming to you, is happening for a reason.
In order to learn and grow you are going to have to make mistakes! You are going to have to discover the not-quite-right way of doing something before you find the right way. Love and embrace this learning journey
What if nothing was bad, just different? What if all the people who bothered us in life were just little teachers helping us to learn unconditional love and acceptance? What if the contrasting things that we saw and felt were just opportunities to help us get even clearer on what we wanted? If we can open our mind and be flexible in our approach to life we will have the ability to see things from a whole new perspective.
The next time something 'bad' happens to you, refrain from making quick judgements or blaming yourself or another. Instead, ask yourself what you could learn from this experience. Everything is happening for your good, and if you can view life from that perspective, you will have a better ability to see the magic, beauty and opportunity that is available in every moment.
There is no one that is tougher on me, than me. I sometimes wonder why that is? No matter how well things are going in my life and how well I am doing, I always seem to be able to find something that is not good enough. Why is it that I am so good at cheering on other people, and encouraging them to focus on the things that are great about them, yet I cannot seem to share the same positivity for myself?
If I were to trace it back through childhood, I could find many reasons for why I have ended up the way I am. While I can recognise this, I am not placing blame or holding resentment. Resentment eats away at you and the only person that it causes damage to is yourself. It is a pointless waste of energy. If you feel like you are holding on to resentment towards anyone the most important thing you can do is heal that and let it go. Forgive that person and stop carrying around the past with you every day. When I was able to forgive my mother our relationship completely transformed.
So, what do you do if you are in a situation like me. I may have resolved some of the issues that created my problem, but how do I now heal the effects that still tend to linger in my life. The paralysis that self-criticism creates in my life is sometimes unbearable. I can sometimes focus so strongly on the things that are wrong that it completely shuts me down. I lose motivation to achieve, I give up on my goals and everything feels pointless.
I recently began thinking about the idea of becoming my own cheerleader and learning how to support myself rather than continually tearing me down. At the end of the day self-criticism, like resentment, is a complete waste of your precious energy. It does not serve you in any way, it definitely does not make you feel good and it also completely disconnects you from who you truly are. Continuing to beat up on yourself is going to change anything, so instead perhaps it is better to take a more positive approach.
For those of you out there who like to indulge in victim thinking (and I am at times one of them) you may not like this positive approach. On some level I am sure self-criticism can be self serving as it keeps you safe in your comfort zone without any need to have to put the effort in to change. But if you, like me, are tired of being your own emotional punching bag, here are some tips to turn yourself from a self-critical tyrant to a self-loving cheerleader....
Praise yourself
Tell yourself when you do something well, just like you would to someone else. Sometimes if we have not learnt how to praise ourself as a child, we may not know how to do it as an adult either! Sing your praises whether you do something perfectly or not.
Stop comparing yourself to others
You are on your own journey. Remain focused on where you are going and what you want. Sometimes we can sway from our path when we become too influenced by how someone else is doing something. True self empowerment comes from listening to your own inner guidance and living out your own unique journey
Be patient
I often become self critical when I am wanting something to happen faster than it is. If I am not getting the results I want, I may blame myself or tell myself it is because I am lazy or unproductive. Trust that everything is unfolding at the time that it should and relax and be patient as your dreams blossom in to realities
Use positive self talk
Be kind and gentle on yourself. Speak to yourself in empowering and loving ways. Remind yourself that you are doing the best that you can in this moment and kick that nasty critical voice to the curb
Recognise the baby steps
Even if you only make small improvements or take one tiny step closer to where you want to be, it is still progress. Don't wait until you acheive your end result to sing your successes, make sure you do it along the whole journey too
Stay in the present
We sometimes become critical when we bring up stories from the past of previous failure or when we think about the future and feel like we will never get where we want to be. Remember to come back in to the present moment. Take a moment to take a deep breath and bring your awareness back in to your body. Place your feet firmly on the floor and ground yourself in to this present moment. Right here and right now, all is well
Keep track of your achievements
I started giving myself stickers to keep track of my achievements. I would place them in my diary so that I could quickly scan over my week and see what I had achieved. I gave myself stickers for the times that I exercised, went to yoga, made a green juice, wrote on my blog, meditated etc.. It was a huge confidence booster for me when I looked over my week and it was filled with colourful stars.
Celebrate your success
When I was receiving life coaching, my coach would ask me at the end of a successful session - so how are you going to celebrate this? When you do something well or achieve something new it is important to celebrate it. Find out what works for you, but for me it was as simple as doing a little happy dance around my room. Not only did it really lock in that good feeling, but it also made me laugh
