LESSONS ON LOVE: WHY THE ONES WE WANT RUN, AND THE ONES WE DON'T CLING

GUEST POST: WRITTEN BY VIENDA MARIA

You can read the original post, here. 

I recently received an email asking:

"Why do the ones I want run, and the ones I don't cling?"

There's one side of the coin:

You decide you like someone. So you start showing them some interest. Your mind wildly conjures  up stories of romance and true love and images of lustful encounters. It drives you to start a saga of pursuit. You chase someone, actually deep down KNOWING that they aren't right for you. And you chase them anyway. 

There's a delicious gratification in trying to tame the untameable. And they don't respond. So you get clingy. You start stalking them across the wide array of social media. You hang out in the places they might hang out. You wonder and squander many passing hours with fanciful ideas of what it might be like to finally have them in your life.

And then the other side:

You meet them one day amongst your wayfaring. A potential new friend. Time passes and you realise that there is not much of a connection there. They still text at random times to see how you are... or late at night... "good night angel". You can barely remember their name. 

They unfailingly endeavour to capture your attention with less-than-subtle suggestions and a slightly desperate look in their eyes. Perhaps they're a really nice person. But it's possible that you'll never know, as their advances and attempts carry with them a sense of admonished rebuke. Something just doesn't feel quite right. It's off-putting for some reason.

Both sides of the coin create conflict in some way or another

"It's not rejection, it's an outcome. You can only be truly rejected when you reject yourself and your emotions." -- The Daily Love

THE UNDERLYING CAUSE OF REJECTION

When I read the musings of psychic Anna Costello in Sarah Wilson's always intelligent and influential article, I started to think about how our relationships with ourselves affect our relationships with others, as I hear this story so very often:

"Why do the ones I love run from me, and the ones I don't cling?"

This is what Anna had to say:

"People want to know why the ones we love so often reject us or act ambivalent. And, why the ones we're not that into can't be shaken! As a psychic I can often see the inner feelings and beliefs people have, and see that people get caught in this dynamic because they believe they are unlovable or unworthy.

When a person holds these kinds of beliefs, they feel uneasy and uncomfortable when they meet someone who wants to be with them. After all, that person must be desperate or have something wrong with them! And people who reject or hurt feel safe. The relationship feels right because mistreatment fits with beliefs of being unlovable or unworthy. This is why so many women love bad boys and how you can have chemistry for someone who isn't good for you."

I possibly couldn't have said it better myself.

DO YOU FEEL WORTHY OF LOVE?

Some part of us believes that we are not worthy of getting what we want. That the person we desire is out of reach. That we are unloveable. So we seek out situations that reflect our beliefs back to us.

People have a tendency to chase rejection because that is what they expect. Their sense of self-worth isn't what it could be and their negative thought patterns need to be validated.

It's so fascinating to see how we often put ourselves in a position to have our negative thought patterns validated, but it gives us the opportunity to take a good hard look at them and then take steps to change them.

There's a cycle here. You are rejected by someone who you think you want, but doesn't want you. Or you reject, and thereby fulfil someone else's need to self-validate their belief that they are unworthy of your love. 

Two sides of the same coin.

The point here however is, how to change the pursuit of self-affliction. It doesn't serve you or anyone else. How, you ask?

Most of this behaviour pattern is based on insecurities and lack of self love.

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life" -- Mumford + Sons

LESSONS ON LOVE

Rather than seeing what you desire from someone else, make sure you are the one who gives it to you. Give yourself the love and attention that you crave. Treat yourself in the manner that you wish to be treated. Cherish and adore yourself. It's radical self-love. And it will change the way the world and people approach you. No longer will you glance wistfully at those that reproach you. As you no longer need them. You are self-approved.

1. End the cycle of negative self-talk by dropping the beliefs and replacing them with positive loving thoughts. At first, the positive affirmations won't feel real. It kind of feels like you're lying to yourself. But persevere... it works. Try saying "I deeply love and fully accept myself" every day at least 100 times. At any given moment. This practice will transform your life.

2. Stop investing so much energy focusing on another person. Focus all of that on yourself instead. What does it take to make you feel whole, fulfilled, complete, happy and thriving? The happier you are with yourself and your life, the more you attract the kind of people you actually deserve and the more attractive you are in general.

3. Realise that relationships are meant to be graceful; with ease and joy. If a relationship is a struggle and bringing disharmony and negativity in to your life, then it's highly likely not the one for you. Love makes life better, happier, smoother - not harsher, harder and scarier.

4. Recognise that all the qualities you admired in that person, you carry within yourself as well. Allow those parts of you to shine and encourage them to grow. Clearly they are attractive characteristics! We can only recognise the good in others that is innate to ourselves also. People and our experiences of people are always a reflection.

5. Focus on being YOU. You are a precious gift to the world and if you are waiting for another person to recognise that, well... you may be waiting all your life. You have to be the one that recognises your worth first and then others will be able to do the same. As your sense of self-worth and self-esteem grows, so will other people's opinion of you. And before long you will attract the lover you have always dreamed of in to your life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

This post was written by Vienda Maria. Vienda is a philosophising wordsmith and life coach who lights up when she helps others realise their full potential. Want to know more? You can read more from Vienda Maria here, or connect on Facebook and Twitter.

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER: THE POWER OF TRUE CONNECTION

Lately, I have been doing a lot of yoga. I get myself to class once or twice a week and I also practice at home. I have been dabbling in and out of yoga since I was 18. But something has just been pulling me to this beautiful practice lately. It has been calling at me to get myself there. To lay still and simply listen. There is definitely something larger than me right now that knows I need it. 

I love my teacher. At the start and end of my class she always shares some wise words, an inspirational message or some beautiful insights. I have found that in each class, her words have resonated with me,  so deeply. It is as if I am being told exactly what I need to hear.

My most recent class was no different. As I lay there in savasana, her words washed over me. She finished the class with this simple message...

"We are all one. We are all in this together"

So simple. Yet so profound.

+ We are all one -- We are all the same. We are all made of the same stuff. Whether we believe it or not, we all go through similar challenges, similar joys and similar experiences. We are not as different as we may think we are.

+ We are all in this together -- This journey. This life. This process. We are all here, just doing the best we can. We all want the same thing. Happiness. Peace. Love. Fulfilment. We are all on the path just trying to carve out a life that makes our heart sing.

Unfortunately, as a society, I think we have forgotten and completely lost touch with this simple truth.

OUR SOCIETY OF SEPARATENESS

I felt deeply inspired to expand on this teaching in a blog post because I think it is a huge one.

We live in a world where there is a lot of separateness, disconnect and competition. There is war, fighting and hatred. There is racism, sexism and terrorism. There is so much you against me, and us against them. 

In the workplace, we compete against each other for promotions and pay rises. Our schools breed rivalry as we work and struggle to be better than our peers.  Or politicians fight against each other for right and wrong. As women, we judge and evaluate our fellow sisters so that we can feel superior. On the roads we cut in, cut off and zig zag through traffic in the effort to get ahead of another.

All you have to do is listen to the news and you will hear stories of people against people. You against me. Us against them.

We have been taught to be so focused on ourselves. Our wants. Our desires. Our need to be better, faster, stronger, more successful etc. We have forgotten the most beautiful and powerful truth of why we are really here.

We are here to connect. We are here to love. We are here to serve. We are here to let go of all the crap that we think makes us different, and remember that we are all one. We are all the same.

CREATING CONNECTEDNESS

Creating true connection, starts with each of us as individuals. As we each change ourselves, who we are being, and how we are thinking, gradually the whole world will begin to change. It all starts with us. All great change, starts within us.

+ CONNECT WITH YOURSELF
To truly connect with another being, we first have to master the ability to connect with ourselves. I believe this is the first step.

Someone who does not know who they are, and does not feel secure in themselves, is much more likely to want to make others feel smaller in an attempt to make themselves feel bigger. This comes from a place of insecurity, separateness and fear. However, someone who is deeply connected with a strong sense of self and feels confident and certain about themselves, will feel comfortable to lift others up and see them become their best.

Take some time to really get to know yourself. Get familiar with your good and bad, your positives and negatives, your strengths and weaknesses. Through getting to know yourself you will see that we are actually not that different from each other. When you are comfortable with your own flaws, you will be less critical and aware of the apparent flaws in others.

+ BE VULNERABLE 

You cannot truly connect with another human being unless you are willing to be vulnerable. When we allow other people to see who we really are, good and bad, it tears down the walls that separate us. 

Anytime we are living in a false sense of self, protecting ourselves with distance and superiority, we make it impossible for anyone to get close to us. We must be willing to be raw, real, authentic with warts and all exposed. Doing this removes competition. It eliminates you vs. me. It creates a space of truth and oneness and allows two people to see each other for who they really are.

+REFRAIN FROM JUDGEMENT 

"Don't judge a man until you've walked two moons in his moccasins" -- Sharon Creech. 

How often do you judge another person? Label their actions as good or bad? Pass an opinion on who they are or what they have done? By doing this you are separating yourself and trying to give off the false impression that you are perfect. 

When you remember that we are all one, and we are all in this together, then the need to judge another falls away. We can empathise and understand that the other person is just doing the best they can. When we can acknowledge that we too, have made mistakes and done things we are not proud of, we can let other people off the hook when they do it too.

+ SERVE 

There is no better way to connect with another person, than being of service. To do this you have to get over yourself and make someone else's needs a priority. When you are of service, what you want for yourself does not matter. You are simply there to support and enable another person to get what they need. Being of service is simply about helping another. 

To do this you must be humble, generous, loving and kind. It may be as simple as listening to a friend when they are in need, letting someone else take a seat on the bus, doing a favour, lending a helping hand, volunteering your time, giving away something you own. 

Whatever it is, it is not about you. You have no hidden agenda. You are not afraid about anyone else becoming better than you, or getting more than you. You simply know that you are equal with this person, and that by serving them, you are in essence serving yourself.

LOVING ME, LOVING YOU: IT IS ALL ABOUT RADICAL SELF LOVE!

GUEST POST: WRITTEN BY VIENDA MARIA

Read the original post here

"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy" -- Unknown

It is my understanding, from what I have observed, experienced and learnt about life so far, that all negative, unhappy, unkind, insensitive thoughts, words and actions stem from a lack of love. And in order to create more love in our lives, firstly we must start with loving ourselves.

RADICAL SELF LOVE

I love the term radical self love, which I believe was coined by Gala Darling, as it so eloquently encompasses exactly what we must feel for ourselves. Radical self love is knowing, understanding and accepting oneself fully. It means that we allow ourselves to be exactly who we are, reverie in it even. We support ourselves without question and stop criticising ourselves. We stop the banal chatter in our minds and drop the beliefs that we are underserving, unloveable or unworthy of all the good we would like in our lives.

Radical self love means that you know that, by the mere fact that you exist, you are worthy of love, of success, of wealth, of friendship, of beauty, of safety, of fun, of anything and everything that you dream of, and aspire to be...

Why is self love so important? Because what you feel, think and believe about yourself is exactly what you get. If you think you are wonderful, unique and deserving of the best, that is what you will get. If you believe that you are unworthy, unlucky, and always finish last, then that is what you will get.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?

Countless books have been written on this topic and the one that I continuously recommend is by Louise Hay, called, You Can Heal Your Life. Not only does Louise tenaciously describe how and why radical self love is so important, she also gives and entire step by step guideline on how to change your thoughts and belief patterns. One of my favourite parts of her book no less, is that back pages which explain common physical ailments that are reflected and can be changed by our thought processes.

Not only is self love important as a realm of creating your own Universe, it is important in the relationships you create with others. No one will ever be able to love you more than you love yourself, so you must love yourself first in order to be able to let others love you. And the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love others. Suddenly your world opens up into a myriad of magic and compassion, and anything and everything becomes possible for you.

"I'll tell you, the more I think, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people" -- Vincent Van Gogh

HOW TO PRACTICE SELF LOVE

The best way I can think of how to describe how to practice self love, is to treat yourself as you would your best friend. Somehow, somewhere, we have learnt to put ourselves last, to put up with less than we would like or expect. So start pretending you are someone external to yourself, someone you truly love and admire, and treat yourself as so. 

Would you allow your best friend to stay in a relationship that is obviously detrimental to them? No! Would you allow your best friend to behave in ways that makes them sick, sad, tired or unhealthy? No! Would you allow your best friend to be in situations or with people that made them feel bad? NO!! So, why would you allow these things in your life?

Now is the perfect time to make those changes. Every day show yourself how much you love yourself, by protecting yourself, nourishing yourself, pampering yourself and giving yourself the best that you can. Start thinking positive thoughts about yourself and your body. Compliment yourself and watch in awe how the world around you begins to change to reflect your new perspective.

image source

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

This post was written by Vienda Maria. Vienda is a philosophising wordsmith and life coach who lights up when she helps others realise their full potential. Want to know more? You can read more from Vienda Maria here, or connect on Facebook and Twitter.

HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON TIPS: 4 SECRETS TO CREATING HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

The area of relationships can be one of the most challenging facets of life to master. It can also be one the most beautiful.

Relationships provide an opportunity for you to connect with another person and gain an insight in to their experience of the world. We all see the world differently which is why relationships can be challenging. It is in relationship with another, whether it be intimate or not, that you are able to learn the most about yourself. It is through your relationship with another that you get to experience yourself in a certain way.

We are all different in each relationship we enter. In some we are loving, in some we are cold, in some we are authoritative and in others we are extremely vulnerable. Relationships allow you experience different parts and aspects of your personality, and they are a beautiful space for you truly connect with another human being.

All day every day we a forming and experiencing different types of relationships with a variety of people. Some relationships are plutonic, some are intimate, some are professional and some are genetic. Either way, we come in contact with a huge amount of different people and experience many different depths of relationships with others.

We have a choice what part of ourselves we will bring to these relationships, although at times it may not feel that way. We may sometimes think that someone 'makes' us feel a certain way, or we cannot help but get angry/upset/distant when we are around a certain person. Sometimes people just push our buttons and we feel like we react uncontrollably. But this is not true. We always have a choice how we are going to act in every moment. It is up to us to choose to either react in a loving way or a hateful way.

This is the key to relationships. It is about choosing who you are going to be. And then being that way, regardless of what the other person does. It is about refraining from judgement, criticising, blame, arrogance, and selfishness. It is about learning to open yourself up, to be authentic, vulnerable, loving, accepting and forgiving. At the end of the day it has nothing to do with that other person, and it has everything to do with who you are choosing to define yourself as in this moment.

4 SECRETS TO CREATING HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

1. ASK YOURSELF HOW CAN I GIVE?

Sometimes I feel like we have really lost touch with what this holiday season is all about. As children, we are taught to believe that Christmas time is all about what we can get. What gifts will we get? What chocolates will we get? How much will we get? etc..  Then as we get older, this mentality of continuously trying to get as much stuff as we can, seems to pervade every area of our life. While, I completely believe in graciously receiving all the gifts (both tangible and intangible) that the world has to offer, I also feel that things have become a little unbalanced.

This holiday season, why not try shifting your focus from what you can get, to what you can give. Take the focus off yourself, and off all your needs and wants, and put your attention on others. How can you be of service? What gift can you give to someone that will truly warm their heart? How can you contribute in a way that will help and assist another person?

When you approach any relationship with the mentality of giving rather than getting, your experience of that relationship will completely transform. Try making this shift in focus in each of the various relationships you have. It may be with your partner, your parents, your friends or your work colleagues. Rather than thinking purely about what you want to get from these relationships (eg: love, affection, attention, gifts, generosity, praise) instead think about how you can offer these to someone else. 

2. PRACTICE THE ART OF REALLY LISTENING

Around this time of year we tend to spend a lot of time with various different people. We might be at work functions, at family dinners, at lunches with friends or at our partners family do's. It is a time to get together, celebrate, connect, catch up and share experiences together. As part of this, it is likely that you are going to be involved in many conversations. You may have to make small talk with your boss at your work Christmas lunch, you may get stuck in a long conversation with a grandparent about everything that's happened in your lives in the past year, or you may have the chance to reconnect with a friend that you have not been able to see in months and have an awesome chat. No matter how it happens, the holiday season will involve a lot of connection and conversation.

When you're in these situations, how often do you really listen? I mean, really listen? Truly listening to someone means being 100% present for them. It means that all your attention is squarely on them and you are concentrating on what they are saying and totally taking it all in. How often do you really sit and place that much focus on another person? Instead what we normally do is politely nod along while meanwhile we are often thinking about a thousand other things. We may be preparing our next comment or point in our heads, thinking about ourselves and how we look or feel, or even completely daydreaming and thinking of something else.

I encourage you try to really listening to the people who are talking to you this holiday season. If you have ever experienced the feeling of having someone be 100% present and there for you while you are talking, you know it feels pretty special. This is another tool that completely transform your relationship with a person, and enable you to authentically connect in a whole new way.

3. LET GO OF PAST GRUDGES

Get really honest with yourself for a moment, and answer this question. Is there anything that has happened in the past that you are carrying around in the present and holding against another person? Answer honestly. Are there any past issues that you have with another person that are still bothering you? Do you feel resentment towards anyone? Are any of your current relationships being affected by a grudge you are holding against that person? Do you have anything bothering you that has not yet been resolved and instead you are carrying it around inside you like a dead weight?

When you spend time with friends, family members and other loved ones, you want to be able to be present with them and simply experience your relationship with them in this moment. But how often (especially in family situations) do we have old past hurts, problems, issues, resentments, judgements or grudges that we are letting get in the way of the relationship. Rather than being able to simply enjoy the presence of the people we love, we spend the whole time stuck in our heads letting old stories take us out of this special, present moment.

Do you realise that when you do this, the only person you are hurting is yourself? You are simply poisoning yourself with negative thoughts. You are draining your energy with disempowering thinking. You are putting a wedge between yourself and someone who you deeply care about. I know that you care about them, because if you did not, you would have let go of the resentment years ago.  I love this quote from Buddha --"Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

So, why not this year, try letting the past be what it is; the past. It is gone. Been. Done. Over. Let go of petty problems. Let go of old issues. Drop the drama. Release the story. Forgive the person. If there are issues that need to be addressed then it is up to you to find the courage to have the tough conversations. I do not mean yelling and making that person wrong. I mean stepping up to have a real, heart driven, honest conversation about how you're feeling. Do whatever needs to be done to let go of past grudges to you can enjoy the special moments now.

I think this recommendation from Walter Anderson is beautiful -- "If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it. You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so. It's hard to stay angry when someone show you that they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other"

4. APPRECIATE THE POSITIVE ASPECTS

I believe that all of us have in us, the capacity to demonstrate a full rainbow of different personality traits and qualities. We all have the capacity to be sad or happy, mean or kind, outgoing or shy, generous or stingy, friendly or cold, angry or peaceful, weak or strong, confident or insecure, and the list goes on. I am sure each of us have had moments in our life where we have shown aspects of our personality that we were not overly proud of. Depending on the specific situations and environments we find ourselves in, the various parts of ourselves will be displayed.

Would you prefer that the people in your life remember you for all the great qualities and traits that you posses and express, or all the not so great ones? And isn't it the best feeling ever when someone notices a great quality about you and appreciates or acknowledges it? It makes you feel pretty damn spesh huh!

The same applies to the other people in our lives. Think of a person who you do not overly like, or who you do not really enjoy spending time with. If I asked you to describe them, I have no doubt your list of their negative personality traits than would outweigh the positive. But going back to what I said earlier, it does not mean that this person only possesses negative traits. What it does mean however is that seeing that is all you are focusing in about that person, then that is all you continue to experience of them.

This holiday season I encourage you to start to notice the positive aspects of all the people you come in contact with. I am sure there are people in your life (possibly members of your family) that you at times may have a love/hate relationship with. But keep in mind that the more you focus on all the things you do not like about that person, the more you will notice them. And vice versa. The more that you take the time to notice the positive aspects in someone's personality, or their strengths or the great things about them, the more you will notice and experience those qualities.

10 KEYS TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP (PART TWO)

This is Part Two of a series of posts on creating successful relationships. Please read Part One first.

The 10 Keys To A Successful Relationship

1. Know Thyself
To be in a good relationship with someone else, you first have to be in a good relationship with your self! It is important that you take time to get to know who you are, and to know what it is you are bringing to the relationship. Do you really know yourself? This in itself can be a life-long journey, but the process of self-inquiry and inner-reflection is a beautiful tool that can be incredibly healing and empowering.

Think about who you have been in your past relationships and how you have acted. Think about the types of guys/girls you have previously attracted and how they have treated you. Identify any patterns that arise and think about what is inside you that may be creating these patterns. Are there certain beliefs that you have about men/women, about what love means, and about what a relationship is? Do you have any behaviours that you think could be potentially sabotaging a relationship?

Think about what you want from a relationship. If you are in one already, think about what you actually want from it, or if you are not in one, think about what you want from your next one. Taking some time to get really clear about who you are and what you want, will make a huge contribution to the success of your current/future relationship.

2. Love And Accept Yourself
I am sure you have heard this saying before - How do you ever expect anyone else to love you, if you do not love yourself? How many of us go in to a relationship looking for love, because we do not love ourselves? How many of us need that validation from someone else in order to feel loved?

You cannot get something from someone else that you do not already have inside you. If you do not love yourself, you will attract a man /woman who cannot truly love you either. You must learn to love and adore who you are, even if you have faults, flaws and imperfections.

Even if you are already in a loving relationship, you should never stop working on the loving relationship that you have with yourself also. As soon as there is imbalance, and you expect more love from them than you are willing to give to yourself, your relationship will suffer. 

3. Communicate With Love
Honest, open, genuine communication is paramount to having a good relationship, but the one key factor in successful communication is learning to communicate from a place of love.

I think there is nothing more important than communicating your thoughts and feelings to your partner, even if they may not always be what they want to hear. However there is a big difference between communicating from a place of love and communicating from a place of fear. Make the intention behind your communication to always be love - either a love for them or a love for yourself.

When you authentically communicate your feelings simply because you need to acknowledge and express them, that is a beautiful thing and your words will be well received. When something is upsetting you or bothering you and you tell your partner, then you are simply expressing your truth and there is nothing wrong with that. Even if you have to say something that may not be very nice, you must connect with the intention of saying it with love first, and then speak. It will make a huge difference to how that person receives your message.

When you communicate from fear you often have the underlying motive to create pain in another. You may be trying to prove a point so you are right, you may be trying to say something that will hurt them or you may be criticising or blaming them. This type of communication separates you from your partner and destroys relationships. If you are ever in a place of anger, fear, jealousy, hatred or hurt - it is not the time to communicate. Take some time out, take a deep breathe and work through the emotions before you start communicating with your partner. 

4. Ask Yourself - What Can I Give?
Relationships are about both giving and receiving. However, there is often an imbalance in our minds between the two. Many of us look to our partner to give us things and to make us feel a certain way. As soon as we are not getting what we want from the person we become upset at them .

Shift your thoughts for a moment from 'What can I get from my partner?" to 'What can I give to my partner?" Do they need love, care, emotional support, physical affection, supporting words, encouragement or for you to help them with doing certain things?

Have you ever thought about what your partner wants from their relationship? What do they want or need from you? Perhaps you can ask them, if you are not sure. Shifting from a getting to a giving mentality will pump a beautiful energy in to your relationship. You will realise that relationships are about loving and serving your partner, not just taking and getting what you need from them.

We need to to learn in a relationship to not only give to our partner but to also give to ourselves. When we give to ourselves enough, we will not be looking to our partner for what we need to get from them. We will already feel complete and will therefore feel inspired to want to give more.

5. Make Yourself Number One
While it is important to give to your partner, it is equally as important to give to yourself. I have made it very clear to my boyfriend that I have to put myself first in our relationship, and I expect him to do the same. It is not about being selfish at all, it is about ensuring that you do not lose touch with who you are. It is about making sure your own needs and wants are being met, as well as the needs and wants of your partner.

You relationship will reap the benefits of you taking care of yourself first. When you do this, you firstly are not looking to your partner to meet them for you, and you are bringing a much more awesome version of yourself to the relationship. A relationship is a partnership which requires cooperation. If you work together, you should be able to find ways to achieve your own goals individually as well as the mutual goals that you share together as part of your relationship.

I have been in relationships in the past where I have put all my own desires to the side in order to make my partner happy. As a result not only did I lose myself completely, but I ended up resenting that person and becoming angry at them. It is a lose-lose situation. If you are with a partner that you do not feel you can truly be yourself with, then you are not with the right person. 

6. Have A Life Outside The Relationship
Life is about balance. You need to have a range of things in your life that make you happy, fulfill you and give you that buzzing, positive feeling. You cannot just rely on your relationship to do that. When you are in love with someone, it is easy to want to make that person your world. When they make you feel that good, you want to spend all your time with them. But you must remember to put everything in perspective and not put too much pressure on one area of your life to give you everything.

Dedicate your spare time to finding other things that make you feel equally as awesome as your relationship does. Maybe it is just about spending time quality time with your friends, or maybe you have passions and hobbies or sports that you play that give you that feeling. It is important to have activities that you can do without your partner that make you feel good. You need to support yourself in a variety of ways and learn to find happiness in a range of sources. Not only will this make you a more fulfilled person in yourself but your partner will find you a lot more attractive as you will bring a much higher and more positive energy to the time that you do spend together

7. Be Vulnerable
I recently watched a beautiful clip by Brene Brown on vulnerability. In it she says that you cannot have true connection with any other human being unless you are willing to be vulnerable.This has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my relationship, and I have no doubt that there would be many people who can relate.

How often do you let yourself be truly vulnerable with someone? I mean real, raw, honest, authentic vulnerability. How often do you let someone see who you really are? And I mean who you really are?

Our whole society is built on facades. We are taught to put on a smiley face and hide our emotions when we are sad. We are taught to be tough and strong during hard times. We are taught that being beautiful and perfect gets you love and approval from others.

We are not taught that tearing down our walls, revealing all our imperfections and showing someone the deep truth of who we are is ok. It is up to each of us to be willing to open up our hearts and release the fears to let ourselves get really real with another human being. I know from first hand experience that this can be absolutely petrifying. But unless you are willing to do this you will never have the deep, honest and beautiful connection with your partner that you crave.

8. Learn To Receive
I know I talked about the importance of giving in a relationship, but what is equally as important is the ability to receive. For some people who have issues around self-worth and self-love, receiving love can be difficult.
Do you receive compliments easily, or do they make you uncomfortable? Do you enjoy receiving gifts or do they make you feel guilty? Do you feel comfortable receiving physical affection such as loving touches, cuddles and kisses or does it make your skin crawl?

For some people, receiving love can be difficult. It does not matter whether that love comes in the form of a bunch of flowers, a loving embrace or a sweet compliment. For some people receiving these things completely and fully can be hard.

I never realised this was an issue for me until recently. While I was chatting to one of my dear friends about my self-sabotaging behaviours she said to me "Connie, just let yourself be loved" . That comment stopped in me in my tracks. The fact that what she said had such an impact on me, made me realise that this must be something that I need to do some work on. It is amazing how we can block other people from loving us when we do not even realise we are doing it. Be willing to receive love in all its forms, and when it comes your way open your arms, embrace and say a big thank you, because you deserve it. 

9. Forgive And Release
Carrying around resentment in a relationship is a sure fire way to destroy it. Do you ever bring up things from the past that your partner has done, and hold it against them, even if it was from years ago? Do you ever replay past hurts or stories in your mind over and over again? We cannot carry around unresolved issues, as they are just like buttons sitting in us waiting to be pushed.

It is important to heal and release the past, as otherwise you are likely to just re-create it over and over again. We need to practice forgiving anyone and anything that has happened that is causing us to carry around pain. It is not about excusing what the other person did. In fact, it has nothing to do with them. The pain that you are carrying around is hurting no one else except yourself. 

Forgiveness will set you free. It will release you from the bondages of the past. It will give you closure. Even if it is something tiny, practice forgiveness. Every time your partner does something that upsets you, forgive them, release it and move on.

If this is an issue for you, I highly recommend you seek out some forgiveness meditations and do some energetic cord-cutting exercises. It will help you to heal old wounds and forgive and release those people who have hurt you.
 
10. Appreciate Your Partner
When you first fall in love with someone, they can do no wrong. You love everything about them. They may have strange little quirks or habits but you find them endearing and cute.Over time however, things seem to change. There seems to be more about that person that bothers you, and their little quirks and habits are suddenly extremely annoying.

The more that you focus on something, the more it will grow. So the more you fuss and complain about what you do not like about your partner, the more you will experience these aspects of them. On the flip side, the more you appreciate what you love about them and focus on all the great things about them, the more you will experience these aspects of them too.

So, if you ever find yourself feeling a bit negative, some appreciation is all you need to is shift your perspective. Start thinking about all the things you love about that person. Think about all the things that are great about them. Write lists of all the really positive aspects of who they are. Replay memories in your mind of when they did wonderful things for you and you felt so much love for them. Express gratitude for having met such an amazing person. Shift your focus to all the positive and great things about them. Not only will you feel better, but you by seeing that person in a more positive light, you will be lovingly supporting them to then be the best version of themselves when they are around you.

10 KEYS TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP (PART ONE)

One of my darling readers , contacted me requesting I write a post on love and relationships. It is funny how the Universe works - only a few days earlier I was feeling drawn to write a  new post, yet I could not find inspiration on any particular topic. I asked my inner guidance for direction on what I could write about that would serve my readers and provide them with information that would support them. But nothing came to me. And then a few days later, my lovely little angel contacts me requesting this post.


How perfect everything is!

It is also quite interesting timing that the request for this post came now. As, for the first time in months, I have actually been experiencing challenges in my own area of relationships. As with all my posts on this blog, I usually write about a particular topic during the time that I am learning about it myself as I like to be able to share my first hand experiences. I would never normally have wanted to write a relationship post when I was going through some challenging times. However, I usually gain quite a huge amount of learning as a result of writing my posts here, and I have no doubt that this particular situation will be the same.

My Beautiful Relationship
At this particular stage of my life, I am very blessed to be in one of the most amazing relationship's that I could have ever asked for. I can truly say that I have never experienced anything like it in the past. It is a relationship built on authenticity, trust, honesty, a deep genuine connection and heart-filled communication. The success of our relationship is also based on the fact that we allow each other to be who we need to be and live our lives outside of the relationship. We do not need play games or use emotional manipulation. It just a genuine partnership that compliments each of us on our own way. Being with each other brings out our strengths and supports our weaknesses as we both enable the other to become better versions of ourselves. Neither of us came in to this relationship 'needing' anything. There was no void that needed to be filled or problem to be solved. When we met we were both already happy in ourselves and in our single status. We simply came together because something clicked and we liked how we felt when we spent time together. And as they say, the rest is history.

There Will Always Be Challenging Times
In saying all of that, there are always going to be challenges. And yes, I am experiencing a few at the moment. What I have learnt though, is that very often the challenges you experience in a relationship have nothing to do with that other person, and everything to do with yourself. This is where I feel a lot of relationships go wrong - people place all their happiness on this other person, they expect great things from them, they demand they do things that make them happy, and then when they don't they get angry. They criticise and blame and make them wrong, when really all they have done is just be themselves.

Take Back Your Power
The best way we can work on relationships is to first work on ourselves and realise that any problem that occurs in a relationship, is usually a problem that actually starts in us.

The empowering thing about taking this viewpoint is that you are no longer at the mercy of that other person. You no longer have to wait for them to change in order for you to be happy. You simply have to shift your perspective. You have to identify what the real cause of your upset is. You have to remember that you are the creator of your life, and whether you realise it or not, you are playing a role in how that person is acting with you.

It is very easy to get caught up in a lot of emotion when we face a relationship challenge. But it helps to drop the emotional drama for a minute and stop and identify what the actual cause of your upset is. You may start off thinking that it is 'them' that has done something that has upset you, but if you can work backwards, you might soon be able to see that it is perhaps a certain way that you are 'thinking' that is causing the upset. If you can work on yourself, and work to change your thinking about a situation, then you take back your power and you now have the ability to actually heal this issue once and for all.

Be Aware Of Your Self Sabotaging Bulls**t
These problems that start in you, and then flow in to your relationship, very often occur when your 'shit' comes up. It is highly likely when you are in a relationship, that old patterns and past hurts may be triggered and may then be re-ignited in your current relationship. It is your job to not let your past crap, enter in to this current relationship and sabotage it or ruin it. How often do you project the ideas, memories, experiences, hurts of past partner on to your current partner?

So, here is the golden rule - do not let yourself sabotage the relationship when your shit comes up. I am learning this one first hand at the moment. Instead you have to work through it and clear it out. Working through your shit can be hard work. Sometimes it seems easier to just quit and run. But that will never get you to where you want to be. You will simply end up sad and lonely.

However, if they remain unconscious you will continue to act out the same patterns and cause the same problems in your relationship over and over again, and you will not even realise you're doing it. Have you ever had the experience where you seem to attract the same type of person, who causes you the same type of problem, and the relationship tends to break up in the same type of way? Your unconscious sabotaging patterns, could be the reason why!

So step one is to become aware of them and to learn how to catch them and work through them. Step two is to do the exact opposite of what your self sabotaging behaviour wants you to do. Sabotaging behaviour is driven by fear. If you do the opposite you will be choosing love over fear, and that is what you want. When fear comes up and it tells you to do something - do the exact opposite. When fear tells you to shut down and not tell him how you're feeling, then it is time to sit down with him and tell him everything. When fear comes up and tells you to run away because you're scared you're going to get hurt again, it is time to stay put and face it. When fear tells you to put your walls up and protect yourself, it is time to tear them down and be totally vulnerable. As scary as it may feel, the only way to overcome your fears, is to face them.

Please read on to Part Two of this post where I give you my 10 Steps to a Successful Relationship

THE SHIFT - LIVING A LIFE OF LOVE

Today I want to share my thoughts on a shifts that I believe is happening to us collectively. It is a change that is beginning in each of us as individuals, but will then expand outward from each of us to affect the world around us. 

I do not know or understand exactly what is going on with the human race and our planet Earth at the moment. Everything seems to be pretty unpredictable and chaotic. All I know is that something is happening around me and things are changing. Something is also stirring inside me and I see it in others too. It seems that we are being pushed to change. We are being called to wake up and start doing things differently. Life just doesn't seem to be working like it used to. There seems to be so much suffering and the Earth is no longer tolerating our abuse. I feel that we are reaching a climax, and something has got to give. 

There is a new alternative being born. A new way of seeing the world is developing and many of us are being called to live in a new way of being. Our old world and the old ways of being are dissolving and it's structures are falling apart. A space is being created for some new foundations to be layed. If we wish to go with this change, and integrate the new possibilities coming forth, we are going to be required to make some inner changes.  

The Shift
After many years of living in a certain way, there are a lot of messages, signs, and inner nudges at the moment that are calling me in a different direction. I believe these inner callings are a reflection of a larger call for global change. 

Historically, we have lived in a very Ego driven society overruled by a strong dominant masculine energy. We have created many amazing things through the use and application of this energy, but we have also destroyed a lot of things and created much suffering for ourselves and the other beings that inhabit this planet. 

This energy has been one of action, hard work, struggle, power and we have made things happen in the world through force. Many of us have been taught to live in fear, and to act out of fear to protect ourselves or gain some form of material security or status. We have been disconnected from each other and have fought and competed in this world to get what we want. 

Our minds have been focused on "What is in it for me? and  "What can I get?" We have been totally outwardly focused and have been on an endless search of doing and acquiring in order to obtain the elusive happiness that we so desperately crave.

There is a different way of being that is possible, and it is now becoming the only alternative if we wish to heal ourselves and our planet. This change involves the following inner shifts; 

From Living from Ego to Living from Soul
From Fear to Love
From Masculine to Feminine 
From Mind Driven to Heart Driven
From Doingness to Beingness
From Living in Struggle to Living in Flow 
From Separateness to Connectedness 
From Inner Pain to Inner Peace 
From Competition to Cooperation
From External Focus to Internal Focus

There is a lot that needs to be explored to fully explain and make sense of this shift. For those who wish integrate these changes, it is a personal and intimate journey that is unique to each individual. However, one key theme that I am hearing about a lot at the moment, and that I believe is the one thing that will make the biggest difference to our planet and our society, is love.  

Living a Life of Love
Love is the most healing power on the planet. It brings people together. It opens our hearts. It destroys the walls and barriers that disconnect us from each other. It aligns us with our Soul. It makes us feel happy. It taps us in to our full potential. It is our true nature. It is who we really are.

Bringing more love in to your self and your life, and giving more love out to the world around you is the fastest way to make progress in the shift. When there is love in your heart, you cannot feel anger, hatred, or jealousy and you cannot be mean to others or yourself. Love is the light that disolves all darkness.

Loving Intentions
Just yesterday, I wrote an entry in my journal about what I want to commit to doing to bring more love in to my life and create a happier life. Part of this process involves creating new ways of thinking. New thoughts, breed new actions. So when you bring more loving thoughts in to your mind, you will find your actions are more driven by love also.

Below are some loving intentions that you can begin to use if you are wanting to make the shift to living a life of love. Use these any time you find you are losing touch with that warm, whole and loving energy that always exists inside you.

• Every day it is my intention to experience as much love and happiness as possible
• When I look in to the world, I see and find only the things that I like. I take out what I like about each experience and give my focus to that
• I appreciate the beautiful and wonderful things I see around me
• I find greatness in things even if they do not initially appear that great. 
• I am thankful for every gift the Universe gives me no matter how small
• I put love in to all that I do
• I put my best in to all that I do
• I focus on what I like in others
• I keep my attention on what I do want and do love and where I am going
• I am kind, patient and compassionate with others
• I do not worry about the outside world. It does not matter where the Universe places me, as I love everything and I can find love in everything
• If I let go of negative thinking, doubt, fear, and all other limiting beliefs, all that will be left is love, as this is my true essence.
• I am at peace and I have a calm, peaceful mind that has a balanced perspective
• I notice and appreciate all the things I love about me
• I love each moment for what it is
• I know I am in the perfect place at all times
• I express deep heartfelt gratitude for all my life's gifts
• I am flexible and adaptable and no matter where I am going or what I am doing, I pour love in to it
• I easily feel love for others as I see the best in them and have compassion for their journey
• We are all equal and we are all one
• I love and accept myself completely, deeply and unconditionally