One of my darling readers , contacted me requesting I write a post on love and relationships. It is funny how the Universe works - only a few days earlier I was feeling drawn to write a new post, yet I could not find inspiration on any particular topic. I asked my inner guidance for direction on what I could write about that would serve my readers and provide them with information that would support them. But nothing came to me. And then a few days later, my lovely little angel contacts me requesting this post.
How perfect everything is!
It is also quite interesting timing that the request for this post came now. As, for the first time in months, I have actually been experiencing challenges in my own area of relationships. As with all my posts on this blog, I usually write about a particular topic during the time that I am learning about it myself as I like to be able to share my first hand experiences. I would never normally have wanted to write a relationship post when I was going through some challenging times. However, I usually gain quite a huge amount of learning as a result of writing my posts here, and I have no doubt that this particular situation will be the same.
My Beautiful Relationship
At this particular stage of my life, I am very blessed to be in one of the most amazing relationship's that I could have ever asked for. I can truly say that I have never experienced anything like it in the past. It is a relationship built on authenticity, trust, honesty, a deep genuine connection and heart-filled communication. The success of our relationship is also based on the fact that we allow each other to be who we need to be and live our lives outside of the relationship. We do not need play games or use emotional manipulation. It just a genuine partnership that compliments each of us on our own way. Being with each other brings out our strengths and supports our weaknesses as we both enable the other to become better versions of ourselves. Neither of us came in to this relationship 'needing' anything. There was no void that needed to be filled or problem to be solved. When we met we were both already happy in ourselves and in our single status. We simply came together because something clicked and we liked how we felt when we spent time together. And as they say, the rest is history.
There Will Always Be Challenging Times
In saying all of that, there are always going to be challenges. And yes, I am experiencing a few at the moment. What I have learnt though, is that very often the challenges you experience in a relationship have nothing to do with that other person, and everything to do with yourself. This is where I feel a lot of relationships go wrong - people place all their happiness on this other person, they expect great things from them, they demand they do things that make them happy, and then when they don't they get angry. They criticise and blame and make them wrong, when really all they have done is just be themselves.
Take Back Your Power
The best way we can work on relationships is to first work on ourselves and realise that any problem that occurs in a relationship, is usually a problem that actually starts in us.
The empowering thing about taking this viewpoint is that you are no longer at the mercy of that other person. You no longer have to wait for them to change in order for you to be happy. You simply have to shift your perspective. You have to identify what the real cause of your upset is. You have to remember that you are the creator of your life, and whether you realise it or not, you are playing a role in how that person is acting with you.
It is very easy to get caught up in a lot of emotion when we face a relationship challenge. But it helps to drop the emotional drama for a minute and stop and identify what the actual cause of your upset is. You may start off thinking that it is 'them' that has done something that has upset you, but if you can work backwards, you might soon be able to see that it is perhaps a certain way that you are 'thinking' that is causing the upset. If you can work on yourself, and work to change your thinking about a situation, then you take back your power and you now have the ability to actually heal this issue once and for all.
Be Aware Of Your Self Sabotaging Bulls**t
These problems that start in you, and then flow in to your relationship, very often occur when your 'shit' comes up. It is highly likely when you are in a relationship, that old patterns and past hurts may be triggered and may then be re-ignited in your current relationship. It is your job to not let your past crap, enter in to this current relationship and sabotage it or ruin it. How often do you project the ideas, memories, experiences, hurts of past partner on to your current partner?
So, here is the golden rule - do not let yourself sabotage the relationship when your shit comes up. I am learning this one first hand at the moment. Instead you have to work through it and clear it out. Working through your shit can be hard work. Sometimes it seems easier to just quit and run. But that will never get you to where you want to be. You will simply end up sad and lonely.
However, if they remain unconscious you will continue to act out the same patterns and cause the same problems in your relationship over and over again, and you will not even realise you're doing it. Have you ever had the experience where you seem to attract the same type of person, who causes you the same type of problem, and the relationship tends to break up in the same type of way? Your unconscious sabotaging patterns, could be the reason why!
So step one is to become aware of them and to learn how to catch them and work through them. Step two is to do the exact opposite of what your self sabotaging behaviour wants you to do. Sabotaging behaviour is driven by fear. If you do the opposite you will be choosing love over fear, and that is what you want. When fear comes up and it tells you to do something - do the exact opposite. When fear tells you to shut down and not tell him how you're feeling, then it is time to sit down with him and tell him everything. When fear comes up and tells you to run away because you're scared you're going to get hurt again, it is time to stay put and face it. When fear tells you to put your walls up and protect yourself, it is time to tear them down and be totally vulnerable. As scary as it may feel, the only way to overcome your fears, is to face them.
Please read on to Part Two of this post where I give you my 10 Steps to a Successful Relationship