HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON TIPS: 4 SECRETS TO CREATING HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

The area of relationships can be one of the most challenging facets of life to master. It can also be one the most beautiful.

Relationships provide an opportunity for you to connect with another person and gain an insight in to their experience of the world. We all see the world differently which is why relationships can be challenging. It is in relationship with another, whether it be intimate or not, that you are able to learn the most about yourself. It is through your relationship with another that you get to experience yourself in a certain way.

We are all different in each relationship we enter. In some we are loving, in some we are cold, in some we are authoritative and in others we are extremely vulnerable. Relationships allow you experience different parts and aspects of your personality, and they are a beautiful space for you truly connect with another human being.

All day every day we a forming and experiencing different types of relationships with a variety of people. Some relationships are plutonic, some are intimate, some are professional and some are genetic. Either way, we come in contact with a huge amount of different people and experience many different depths of relationships with others.

We have a choice what part of ourselves we will bring to these relationships, although at times it may not feel that way. We may sometimes think that someone 'makes' us feel a certain way, or we cannot help but get angry/upset/distant when we are around a certain person. Sometimes people just push our buttons and we feel like we react uncontrollably. But this is not true. We always have a choice how we are going to act in every moment. It is up to us to choose to either react in a loving way or a hateful way.

This is the key to relationships. It is about choosing who you are going to be. And then being that way, regardless of what the other person does. It is about refraining from judgement, criticising, blame, arrogance, and selfishness. It is about learning to open yourself up, to be authentic, vulnerable, loving, accepting and forgiving. At the end of the day it has nothing to do with that other person, and it has everything to do with who you are choosing to define yourself as in this moment.

4 SECRETS TO CREATING HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

1. ASK YOURSELF HOW CAN I GIVE?

Sometimes I feel like we have really lost touch with what this holiday season is all about. As children, we are taught to believe that Christmas time is all about what we can get. What gifts will we get? What chocolates will we get? How much will we get? etc..  Then as we get older, this mentality of continuously trying to get as much stuff as we can, seems to pervade every area of our life. While, I completely believe in graciously receiving all the gifts (both tangible and intangible) that the world has to offer, I also feel that things have become a little unbalanced.

This holiday season, why not try shifting your focus from what you can get, to what you can give. Take the focus off yourself, and off all your needs and wants, and put your attention on others. How can you be of service? What gift can you give to someone that will truly warm their heart? How can you contribute in a way that will help and assist another person?

When you approach any relationship with the mentality of giving rather than getting, your experience of that relationship will completely transform. Try making this shift in focus in each of the various relationships you have. It may be with your partner, your parents, your friends or your work colleagues. Rather than thinking purely about what you want to get from these relationships (eg: love, affection, attention, gifts, generosity, praise) instead think about how you can offer these to someone else. 

2. PRACTICE THE ART OF REALLY LISTENING

Around this time of year we tend to spend a lot of time with various different people. We might be at work functions, at family dinners, at lunches with friends or at our partners family do's. It is a time to get together, celebrate, connect, catch up and share experiences together. As part of this, it is likely that you are going to be involved in many conversations. You may have to make small talk with your boss at your work Christmas lunch, you may get stuck in a long conversation with a grandparent about everything that's happened in your lives in the past year, or you may have the chance to reconnect with a friend that you have not been able to see in months and have an awesome chat. No matter how it happens, the holiday season will involve a lot of connection and conversation.

When you're in these situations, how often do you really listen? I mean, really listen? Truly listening to someone means being 100% present for them. It means that all your attention is squarely on them and you are concentrating on what they are saying and totally taking it all in. How often do you really sit and place that much focus on another person? Instead what we normally do is politely nod along while meanwhile we are often thinking about a thousand other things. We may be preparing our next comment or point in our heads, thinking about ourselves and how we look or feel, or even completely daydreaming and thinking of something else.

I encourage you try to really listening to the people who are talking to you this holiday season. If you have ever experienced the feeling of having someone be 100% present and there for you while you are talking, you know it feels pretty special. This is another tool that completely transform your relationship with a person, and enable you to authentically connect in a whole new way.

3. LET GO OF PAST GRUDGES

Get really honest with yourself for a moment, and answer this question. Is there anything that has happened in the past that you are carrying around in the present and holding against another person? Answer honestly. Are there any past issues that you have with another person that are still bothering you? Do you feel resentment towards anyone? Are any of your current relationships being affected by a grudge you are holding against that person? Do you have anything bothering you that has not yet been resolved and instead you are carrying it around inside you like a dead weight?

When you spend time with friends, family members and other loved ones, you want to be able to be present with them and simply experience your relationship with them in this moment. But how often (especially in family situations) do we have old past hurts, problems, issues, resentments, judgements or grudges that we are letting get in the way of the relationship. Rather than being able to simply enjoy the presence of the people we love, we spend the whole time stuck in our heads letting old stories take us out of this special, present moment.

Do you realise that when you do this, the only person you are hurting is yourself? You are simply poisoning yourself with negative thoughts. You are draining your energy with disempowering thinking. You are putting a wedge between yourself and someone who you deeply care about. I know that you care about them, because if you did not, you would have let go of the resentment years ago.  I love this quote from Buddha --"Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

So, why not this year, try letting the past be what it is; the past. It is gone. Been. Done. Over. Let go of petty problems. Let go of old issues. Drop the drama. Release the story. Forgive the person. If there are issues that need to be addressed then it is up to you to find the courage to have the tough conversations. I do not mean yelling and making that person wrong. I mean stepping up to have a real, heart driven, honest conversation about how you're feeling. Do whatever needs to be done to let go of past grudges to you can enjoy the special moments now.

I think this recommendation from Walter Anderson is beautiful -- "If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it. You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so. It's hard to stay angry when someone show you that they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other"

4. APPRECIATE THE POSITIVE ASPECTS

I believe that all of us have in us, the capacity to demonstrate a full rainbow of different personality traits and qualities. We all have the capacity to be sad or happy, mean or kind, outgoing or shy, generous or stingy, friendly or cold, angry or peaceful, weak or strong, confident or insecure, and the list goes on. I am sure each of us have had moments in our life where we have shown aspects of our personality that we were not overly proud of. Depending on the specific situations and environments we find ourselves in, the various parts of ourselves will be displayed.

Would you prefer that the people in your life remember you for all the great qualities and traits that you posses and express, or all the not so great ones? And isn't it the best feeling ever when someone notices a great quality about you and appreciates or acknowledges it? It makes you feel pretty damn spesh huh!

The same applies to the other people in our lives. Think of a person who you do not overly like, or who you do not really enjoy spending time with. If I asked you to describe them, I have no doubt your list of their negative personality traits than would outweigh the positive. But going back to what I said earlier, it does not mean that this person only possesses negative traits. What it does mean however is that seeing that is all you are focusing in about that person, then that is all you continue to experience of them.

This holiday season I encourage you to start to notice the positive aspects of all the people you come in contact with. I am sure there are people in your life (possibly members of your family) that you at times may have a love/hate relationship with. But keep in mind that the more you focus on all the things you do not like about that person, the more you will notice them. And vice versa. The more that you take the time to notice the positive aspects in someone's personality, or their strengths or the great things about them, the more you will notice and experience those qualities.

TAME YOUR INNER CRITIC: 5 STEPS TO MASTERING YOUR SELF-TALK

Lately, I have started to become extremely curious about self-talk. You know, that little voice that chatters on and on in our heads all day. 

Since beginning my training to become a Life Coach, I have already coached with a few clients, assisting them to move from where they are, to where they want to be. And what I have discovered is that the key factor which seem stops people from achieving what they want, is unsupportive self talk.

It is very easy to hear when this little negative voice creeps in to our coaching sessions. All I have to do is listen to the language that the client is using. As they talk to me, I can begin to gain insight about how they talk to themselves too.

Unsupportive self talk is when the things we tell ourselves completely sabotage or block us from achieving what we want. It is all those limiting, critical, dis-empoweing and just plain negative thoughts that make us feel as though we cannot do what we want.

What I have fast been discovering is that it is all about the way we talk to ourselves which determines whether we are successful/happy/living the life of our dreams or not. This means that the focus of our coaching sessions are far less about what the person needs to do to get what they want, but rather how they need to think, what they need to beleive and how they need to talk to themselves.

So, since I have been pondering this topic a lot lately, I thought I would share it with you all here on the blog! And while I am at it, I also thought I would share 5 easy steps that you can follow to begin to tame your inner critic and transform your self-talk in to a tool that supports and empowers you.

5 STEPS TO TAME YOUR INNER CRITIC

STEP 1:  ACKNOWLEDGE IT
What do you do when your inner critic starts to beat up on you? How do you handle that negative or dis-empowering voice? The two main strategies that people often use are;

1. Ignore it in the hope that it will eventually shut up
2. Think positive thoughts over it in the hope you will drown it out

While both of these strategies may work to some degree, what you will find is that both tactics will simply cause your inner critic to get even louder. It will try even harder to get it's point across. So, what do you do? You listen to it. Listen to what that inner critic has to say. Then, acknowledge the thoughts by saying 'thank you'. Simply thank your inner critic for it's contribution and then let it go. Every time it yells another limiting belief at you, say 'thank you'. Continue to do this every time these thoughts arise. Say 'thank you' and then let them go.

The reason this works is two fold. Firstly, your inner critic simply wants to be heard, so by acknowledging it, you have given it permission to express what it wanted to say. The second reason is that by looking that negative thought square in the face, you actually take away a lot of it's power. It becomes much easier to let a negative thought go, once you can appreciate that it exists without allowing it to have any emotional control over you.

STEP 2. DETERMINE IT'S PURPOSE
When your inner voice is talking to you, ask yourself - Is this voice coming from a place of fear or a place of love? If it is coming from fear it's aim will be to protect you, keep you safe and stop you from stepping outside your comfort zone. If the voice is coming from love, it's purpose will be to support you, empower you and encourage you to be the very best you can be.

Deep down, your inner voice always has your best interests at heart. Really it does. Even when it is barking unsupportive, critical or fearful thoughts at you. When your inner voice is negative and is telling you that you cannot do something, it is because it is trying to keep you safe. Its main aim is survival. It does not want to risk putting you in a situation that is deems as 'dangerous'. It does not want to see you fail, it does not want to see you lose anything, and it definitely does not want to feel unloved. So, it will tell you whatever it needs to to keep in the same and familiar bounds of your comfort zone.

Taking this view point helps you feel some level of understanding and compassion for this inner voice. When this voice is trying to keep you safe, it is often coming from a place of fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of not belonging or fear of not being good enough. When you can begin to see it this way, the fearful inner heckles start to lose their power.

The trick with this, is to decide that rather than spending your whole life being driven by fear, you instead want to be driven by love. You want to be driven by self-belief, by empowerment, by passion, by a love and respect for your self, and by the desire to become your best you. It is up to you to develop the ability to decipher the difference between your inner critic and your inner cheerleader, and then choose which one you will listen to. 

STEP 3. DETACH FROM IT

The reason that it often feels like your inner critic has a lot of power of you, is because you are so emotionally attached to it. You cling to every word it says and hold it as the truth. Do you know that you do not have to believe everything you think? Just because there is a voice in your head, telling you that you cannot do something, does not mean it is the truth. You can choose which thoughts you believe and which ones you let go. 

Many of us are very attached to our thoughts. We believe our thoughts are who we are. When we feel something, we identify with that feeling eg: I AM scared, or I AM an un-confident person, I AM unsuccessful. Rather than instantly identifying with all the thoughts that pop in to our head, we need to start looking at them differently. We need to see them as what they are - thoughts. They are random ideas popping in to our head, and just because we think them, does not mean they are real.

So start to look at your thoughts from an objective viewpoint. Start to evaluate your thoughts. Look at them as ask, is this a thought that is going to take me where I want to go, or is this a thought that is going to stop me? If it is a thought that is going to stop you, then challenge it. Ask yourself 'is this true?' and 'how do I know it is true'. Then, let go of the thoughts that are not supporting you, and begin to consciously choose new and more empowering ways of thinking.

STEP 4. CHOOSE A NEW THOUGHT

You have a choice what you think. Yes you do. It may feel sometimes that our thoughts just happen. That they just plop in to our head. But we actually choose our thoughts, and we choose to sustain them by continuing to think them. 

If you stop thinking a thought, it will eventually disappear. Your thoughts only continue to replay in your mind because you continue to support their existence by thinking them.

So, why not choose your thoughts deliberately? Choose to only think thoughts that will take you where you want to go. Choose the thoughts that make you feel good. Choose the thoughts that support you, that support your goals, and support you in becoming the person you want to be. Choose a thought that is driven by love, rather than fear.

It is extremely difficult to make progress towards a goal if the whole way you have a voice in your head telling you that you cannot do it. To achieve any big goal, you need your mind on your side. It has to be your allay. It needs to be your cheerleader. So, decide today to start thinking differently. Decide to only believe thoughts that take you where you want to go and support you to become the person you want to be.

5. SLOW DOWN
In the past, I had a complete and utter monkey mind. My thoughts were erratic and over reactive. I was often stuck in my head as an obsessive over thinker who would frequently wind myself up in to fits of anxiety. These days, I am constantly surprised by the number of people who tell me how calm I am. I am often told what a wonderful 'energy' I have. And my boyfriend says that I have what he calls ' the Connie zen'. While I still have moments where my thoughts go to crazy-town, I have progressed in leaps and bounds in the ability I have to manage my thoughts and my emotional state.

Do you know what the number one thing is that has helped me transform that crazy thinking in to calmness, peace and flow? Meditation. Now, I now you hear me bang on about meditation all the time, but really, you cannot underestimate the amazing power this practice can have on your life. 

The reason meditation helps your master your inner voice, is because it slows down your thoughts. Sometimes our minds are going so freaking fast, that we honestly have zero conscious awareness of what we are even thinking about. The only way to begin to pull back the reigns on your negative thinking, and begin to plant the seeds of positive thinking, is to slow down the rate at which you think.  

Meditation creates distance between you and your thoughts. You are able to observe them like clouds drifting across the screen of your mind. Your emotional attachment to these thoughts reduces also, and it allows you to objectively determine whether the thoughts you are thinking are serving you or destroying you.

Meditation can take form of sitting and focusing on your breathing, walking in nature, becoming immersed in a creative project and feeling a sense of flow, or listening to guided meditations and audio's. Whatever slows your mind, serves as a form of meditation. So, I encourage you to find your version of it, so that you can begin to harness the magic of this amazing practice.